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Forgiveness.
It can be a sign of wisdom and moral strength in both he who begs for it and he who grants it. But be aware that the seeker may not be as sincere as the grantor. The fact that someone asks for forgiveness doesn’t really mean he/she craves for it. It is absolutely important to engage only your brain and not your heart when it comes to forgive someone that has hurt you. The heart is emotionally weak and may fall for any bogus apology which may expose you to more severe damage. In this case, forgiveness can be a suicidal act of naiveté. But the brain will use its supply of wisdom and intelligence to guide you through. Ask, what am I losing or gaining if I accept or reject the apology? And, know that accepting an apology may make you look wiser, and rejecting it may make you look wilder. And it sometimes might be the other way around. It all depends on the nature of the offense and the value of the friendship you are to protect. One thing you know for sure is that this person is the offensive kind. Should you give him/her another opportunity to hurt you more? Only your brain, but not your heart can respond to that.
Remember, there is this saying “Fool me once, shame one you; fool me twice shame on me”
After one has offended someone and his/her action was made public, he/she may seek forgiveness from the offended party for the sole selfish purpose to cleanse his/her name and/ or image from critics, but without really feeling sorry for his/her deed. Or he/she may only be apologizing in order to recuperate opportunities that his/her rudeness may have caused him/her to miss; or to discourage any intention of retaliation. If he/she has come on his/her own to apologize recognizing his/her vile act without being motivated by the impact of critics, it would be easier and safer for one to decide if he/she is worthy of forgiveness. This is why, you, the offended one, must be cautious at forgiving someone. You need to not only feel, but also see that the person is truly sorry for his/her act. Don’t let a soft voice and/or sad face and powerful pity-evoking words dupe you into forgiving someone that may be only acting maliciously to regain your friendship to better hurt you.
Usually, offenses take place in the middle of a friendship when there has been some bond established that has become hard to break due to attachment and memories of good times and secrets shared. It might be more difficult to withhold on forgiveness. This is where the heart may override the brain’s advices. But offenses that occur at the genesis of a friendship that was yet to germinate are worth being thoroughly evaluated to safely determine their merit for forgiveness. Now don’t get me wrong, it is always a good thing to forgive. But when you are willing and ready to forgive, you must protect yourself and cancel all possibilities for another friendly bite. This is to say that in your kindness, you may accept an offender’s apology only to relieve him/her from the torture of a guilty conscience or critics, but not to allow him/her back into your heart or life to finish what he/she has started unless you intend to retaliate. But oftentimes when you think you are going to retaliate, you may end up getting hurt again worse.
When it comes to forgive an offense, it remains a question of how bad you were hurt. There are offenses that leave a scar in your heart; there are offenses that leave a scar in your brain, and offenses that leave a scar on your body. Each of these different types of offenses requires different level of understanding and spiritual strength to forgive. Some of them, only the passing of time can heal and make forgive. Some gets healed, but you remain sore and you can still feel the pain, every time you see your offender, or hear his/her name. But you know that you have forgiven your offender, only when his/her presence or the flash back of his/her offense creates no feeling of resentment in you. As long as you are in pain, you may not be ready to forgive, although the spirit of retaliation may have died long ago.
If someone has hurt you in private and the pain has caused you to make his/her action public, I suggest that if said individual comes ask for your forgiveness, you demand that he/she apologize to you in public so that you can be somehow convinced of his/her sincerity if he/she accepts to do so; and that should he/she hurt you again, the shame will still be on him/her. But should he/she hesitate to do as you ask, this is a sign that he/she may not be ready or willing to be forgiven and that his/her reason for seeking your forgiveness may be highly self-centered. Still, it all depends on what you think you have got to lose or gain.
I dedicate this article to all of you, fellow viners and vine friends who may have been offended by a relative, friend, or stranger with whom you have or “had to start” a friendship and you are facing the hard decision of accepting or rejecting a request for forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t something you just shower someone with upon request, but which must be administered slowly and gradually like a medicine. Remember, the decision is yours and so will be the side effects. I wish you all wisdom and happiness in your lives.
Peacefully and lovingly yours
Truth to told.
